Search My Heart Oh God

God has really put a lot of things on my heart lately. A lot of self examination. I just finished reading a book that I have read at least 2 times before. It is a missionary book that I highly recommend (if you can even still get it). It is called Incessant Drumbeat - Tragedy and Triumph in Irian Jaya. It is written about the Rascher Family and their time on the field in what is now called Papua New Guinea.

One of the things that so impressed me was their relationship with the Lord. Over and over again it talks about how the older daughter watched her mother follow her husband and do things without complaining because that is what she was supposed to do. It was catching and her daughter wanted to be just like her. She (the mom) had asthma and some other breathing troubles. When they lived in the swamps it was hard on her, but she knew that is where God wanted them. HE was strong in her weakness because she let Him be. She raised her 2 youngest in the swamp. Her other children all played and did things with the native children. They dove down deep for coral, they climbed huge trees, they learned to hunt and to spear fish. She let her oldest daughter tote around the new baby on her back, just like the native girls did. In other words, she TRUSTED GOD to take care of her children. The one boy broke his arm 3 times, so it was not like nothing ever happened. The point of all this, was that she trusted the Lord with all areas of her life.

Another thing that impressed me was they seemed to really GRIEVE over their sin if they let the Lord down. I think of the times where I do or don't do something that I know is not what God would have me do. My husband and I are doing Weight Watchers right now. The Lord has been very gracious to us and helped us to not even really want to blow it. This past Sunday, I was hungry. We had burgers on the grill, along with other things that people brought. I mentally was tallying points as I surveyed the food in front of me. I KNEW I wanted a burger. I was even going to eat it with the bun, which I have not been doing. I allowed for the points and was OK. I had a nice plate full of food and should have been satisfied. However, I LOVE burgers on the grill. I thought about having another one and it popped into my head that I did not need it. I was no longer hungry. I did not listen to that voice of the Holy Spirit, but went ahead and had another. Some of you might think there is nothing wrong with that, but it was a lack of self control - which is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. I didn't care. I ate it and enjoyed it. I also went over in my points for the day (I am normally too far under the points). Eating the second burger was not the problem.... it was NOT listening and heeding the Holy Spirit. That is a serious offense.

That is my sin and I need to make it right with the Lord. I need to grieve over it. Not to make a show for anyone, but to know in my heart I allowed, the lust of the flesh to come between God and I. As I look around and listen to those around me, this sort of thing seems to be the norm. That is what is scary. What else am I doing that is the "norm" and I have not yet realized I am out of bounds. I think of the example of Shirley Rascher in the book I mentioned above. I am sure after the major tragedy that hit them (I will let you read the book for details) that she could have told her husband... We won't be doing that again. She didn't tell her husband what to do. She willingly placed herself there because it was pleasing to the Lord. I realize that all the details of their life were not written in that book. However, the heart attitude came through. If you or I were placed on trial for willingly and lovingly submitting unto our husbands as unto the Lord, what would the verdict be? Do I try and appear holy in one area while blatantly ignoring those areas that I know I am failing in? That is called hypocrisy. It turns people away from the Lord. Why should they want anything I have (meaning the Lord and my relationship) if I am no different than the rest of the world? They are looking at me and not the light inside me because I am hiding it behind my hypocrisy. We need to live our lives in such a way that people will see HIM and want what we have... not be like us, but realize we have something bigger than ourselves to lean on and rely on. That is what shone through in the Rascher's lives.

We heard a tape this last week about the church in Laodicea. I do not want to be like them. I believe it is an accurate picture of the church in America right now though. We are too caught up in all the "good things" this world offers and we let slide too many of the real things we are to be about. I am praying that the Lord continues to speak to me and to grow me and to mature me in my walk with Him. I need to see that when I sin, no matter how small it is against Him that I am sinning. That makes it a big deal. I am so grateful that His mercies are new every morning. Great is His faithfulness!!